you make my heart go giddy-up

My ten favourite chocolate bars:
1. Terry’s Chocolate Orange
2. Curly Wurly
3. Turkish Delight
4. Mars Bar
5. Kinder Bueno
6. Snickers
7. Flake
8. Pixie Caramel
9. Aero
10. Crunchie

I remember standing by the wall

ten of the best Blondie songs:
1. call me
2. one way or another
3. denis
4. maria
5. union city blue
6. dreaming
7. atomic
8. hanging on the telephone
9. rapture
10. tide is high

Jimmy quit, joanie got married

ten sitcoms from my childhood
1. family ties
2. cosby show
3. growing pains
4. facts of life
5. full house
6. my two dads
7. mad about you
8. perfect strangers
9. taxi
10. who’s the boss

hotel, motel, makes you wanna cry

ten kiwi bands that are / were frickin choice live:
1. headless chickens
2. shihad
3. exponents
4. 3ds
5. supergroove
6. garageland
7. chris knox
8. darcy clay
9. mobile stud unit
10. head like a hole

no alarms and no surprises

Ten best things I’ve done
1. worked at an ihc home
2. quit my job
3. went to uni away from home
4. came out properly
5. worked at a bar
6. got a radio show
7. bought my house
8. worked at a big law firm
9. did my oe
10. learnt to drive

I said she wont be true no

Ten songs with titles that are good rules to live by
1. Do the Right Thing – Spike Lee
2. You Can't Hurry Love - the Supremes
3. I Fought The Law (and the Law Won) – The Clash
4. Don't Eat The Yellow Snow - Frank Zappa
5. If You Love Somebody Set Them Free – Sting
6. Do That To Me One More Time - Captain and Tenille
7. You Should Be Dancing - Bee Gees
8. Keep Your Hands To Yourself - Georgia Satellites
9. Let My Love Open The Door - Pete Townsend
10. Don't Take Your Guns To Town - Johnny Cash

like a whirlpool it never ends

ten things i have to do this weekend:
1. bottle and preserve everything
2. walk the dogs
3. do heaps of ipod transfers
4. make fudge and turkish delight
5. see d&b
6. get camping stuff together - possibly buy some
7. get presents for everyone, so shop for wrapping
8. order gift basket for nan
9. go to l&s's anniversary party
10. prep for interview on monday, do appln for the other position

i like bread and butter and i like toast and jam

ten things i bought to eat while i was away at a hearing this week:
1. eggs
2. vogels bread
3. spinach
4. salad dressing
5. yogurt
6. olives
7. strawberries
8. yoghurt coated coffee beans
9. blackberry liquorice
10. marinated artichokes

ti aho mai, nga roto i te po

ten maraes I’ve been to:
1. pipitea
2. Whareroa
3. mungatapu
4. awhina
5. Waikawa
6. Hoani waititi
7. papawai
8. romai
9. Tamapahore
10. hungarau

And the judge and the jury, they all put the blame on me

Ten women judges I’ve appeared in front of:
1. carrie
2. karen
3. joanne
4. jill
5. pam
6. sian
7. susan
8. augusta
9. stephanie
10. lowell

and they call it puppy love

Ten things I love about my dogs
1. they’re very cute and everyone wants to stop and talk to them
2. they’re not a barker
3. they truly do not give a fuck about anything
4. one of them wags her tail all the time
5. they wont fetch, play Frisbee or do any of that regular dog crap
6. they’re not obsessed by food
7. but they’ll eat anything you give her
8. they doesn’t need long walks every day
9. but when they do go for a walk they’re great on the lead
10. they doesn’t like swimming at the beach so no wet dog smell

grow up, be a man and close your mealy mouth

ten slogans I’d like on a teeshirt
1. tastes like chicken
2. I fucked your daughter and she loved it
3. I fucked your girlfriend
4. I am a role model
5. westie
6. emotionally unavailable
7. I’m on the drug that killed river phoenix
8. straight edge my arse
9. yes I am
10. old and boring

I’m gonna make it anyway

ten songs that are politically incorrect and rather dodgy on a closer listen:
1. Illegal Alien – Genesis
2. Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen
3. If You Wanna Be Happy - Jimmy Soul
4. Short People - Randy Newman
5. Stand By Your Man - Tammy Wynette
6. Brown Sugar - Rolling Stones
7. Killing An Arab - The Cure
8. A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash
9. Tush - ZZ Top
10. He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) - The Crystals

walk right up to the microphone and sing

my ten ten favourite duets:
1. candy – iggy pop and kate pierson
2. dead ringer for love – meatloaf and cher
3. something stupid – nancy and frank sinatra
4. some velvet morning – nancy sinatra and lee hazelwood
5. especially for you – kylie and jason
6. don’t go breaking my heart – Elton John and kiki dee
7. kids – Robbie Williams and kylie minogue
8. don’t give up – kate bush and peter gabriel
9. under pressure – david bowie and freddie mercury
10. stop dragging my heart around – tom petty and stevie nicks

don't cry no more don't look to the sky no more

ten things i learned last night at quiz night:
1. macaroons were invented by italian monks
2. sri lanka and australia have about the same size population
3. cats opened in 1981
4. keifer sutherland won an emmy this year
5. there are 12 roads off the arc de triomphe
6. kurt cobain was 27 when he died
7. toni collette has just released an album
8. the best of queen is the best selling album ever in the uk
9. your ulna runs parallel to your radius
10. the silkworm likes to eat the mulberry bush

If I could start again, a million miles away

ten scary things i realised today about my workplace:
1. i do not have to be a victim
2. i probably need therapy about a lot of issues i am in denial about
3. i don't cry enough
4. sometimes it is about me, so there
5. there are people who'll be there for you when you need it
6. i am like my mum in the way i deal with relationships
7. i can be passive aggressive, it's the way i deal with situations
8. i snap when i can't take it anymore
9. people do not change just because you want them to
10. i'm the only person who can affect change in my life

hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way

My ten favourite british TV comedies:
1. Red Dwarf
2. League of Gentlemen
3. Men Behaving Badly
4. Black Books
5. Vicar of Dibley
6. Ab Fab
7. Fawlty Towers
8. Blackadder
9. Little Britain
10. The Office

We are agents of the free

Slang from clockwork orange I lurve
1. droog – friend
2. devotchka – girl
3. malchick - boy
4. viddy – look
5. malenky – little
6. glazzies – eyes
7. in out in out – shagging
8. Millicent – police
9. pee and emm – mum and dad
10. horrorshow – really good

stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before

Ten songs that are so totally uncool I can only sing them loudly when I am alone in the car:
1. Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield;
2. Stone Cold Sober – Rod Stewart;
3. Queen of Hearts – Juice Newton
4. Drop the Pilot – Joan Armitrading
5. I Want you Back – Jackson 5
6. I Spent My Last Ten Dollars – Two Nice Girls
7. Ooh Ahh Just a Little Bit – Gina G
8. Paradise by the Dashboard Light – Meatloaf
9. Super Trouper – Abba
10. 9 to 5 – Dolly Parton

don't forget a small moonbeam, fold it lightly with a dream

a thousand years ago when i was in the first flush of girlie love, i copied all of the lyrics to alanis morrisette's song "head over feet" into a card to who i believed was my true love. this morning, that song came on during my drive to work. in honour, here are the top ten cringe-worthy lines from that song:
1. I had no choice but to hear you
2. You treat me like I'm a princess / I'm not used to liking that
3. You've already won me over in spite of me / and don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
4. Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are / I couldn't help it / It's all your fault
5. Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
6. You're so much braver than I gave you credit for / that's not lip service
7. You are the bearer of unconditional things
8. You held your breath and the door for me
9. I've never felt this healthy before
10. I've never wanted something rational / I am aware now

one day you're going to get hungry and eat all the words you just said

Ten foods that you can feed me and I’ll be happy
1. sushi – no avocado, motherfucker
2. olives – in oil, but brine will do because I love them so much
3. salt and vinegar crisps that burn your mouth
4. gumboot tea with milk, no sugar
5. strawberry milkshakes that don’t skimp on the strawberry or the ice cream
6. cheesecake, baked or regular
7. curry, the hotter the better with goopy sauce, basmati and naan
8. mashed potatoes with cream and butter
9. frozen yoghurt that’s a little bit melted
10. fresh bread with butter so thick you can see your teeth marks in it

i don't wanna be anything other than what i've been tryin' to be lately

ten things i learnt yesterday at quiz night:
1. the highway from florida to virginia is interstate 17
2. mississippi is the magnolia state
3. paul bettany was in a knight's tale, dogville and davinci code
4. whakapapa is nz's largest skifield
5. tanganyika and zanzibar combined to become tanzania
6. tokoroa has a statue of a guy with a chainsaw
7. the WIN party was formed in 2005 against the no smoking in bars policy
8. the erebus flight that crashed was 901
9. sweet charity the musical was based on a screenplay by Frederico Fellini
10. islam began in saudi arabia

The subtle whoring that costs too much to be free

ten places I’ve been to that you’ve probably not heard of:
1. Ruatahuna
2. Maungapohatu
3. Ruatoki
4. Taneatua
5. Clive
6. Tuai
7. Oeo
8. Manutuke
9. Mokai
10. Pohara

every shiny bonnet makes me think of my back on it

ten songs about a car:
1. car song – elastica
2. mint car – the cure
3. little red corvette – prince
4. brand new car – rolling stones
5. fast car – tracey chapman
6. gimme the car – violent femmes
7. pink Cadillac – Natalie cole
8. big yellow taxi – Janis Joplin
9. drive my car - beatles
10. thunderbird – zz top

sorry seems to be the hardest word

ten reasons why i didn't blog yesterday:
1. i got up at 5.15am
2. i played support crew to my girls cycling round lake taupo (160kms!)
3. so i was busy all day running around
4. i couldn't get my mobile to blog (bloody beta, won't let me do it anymore)
5. we came back to the house where we were staying at 8pm
6. and i didn't want to get my laptop out in front of others in case they thought i was weird or desperate
7. and my T3G card is close to the limit anyway
8. then we drank a lot
9. and started dancing
10. and really, i was having too much fun to sneak off and do it.

hold me now, warm my heart, stay with me

ten strange things that I collect:
1. Smiths and Morrissey on vinyl
2. lurid 60s cookbooks
3. racist NZ history books
4. glass jars for jam making
5. bandanas for my dog
6. maps
7. retro kitchenware
8. teapots
9. incredibly strange / cult DVDs
10. preserves recipes

i bet you think this song is about you, don't you?

ten songs I want played at my funeral:
1. Love and Affection - Joan Armitrading
2. 32 Flavours - Ani Di Franco
3. Ooh Ahh Just a Little Bit - Gina G
4. Hurt - Johnny Cash
5. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
6. Mama I’m Strange - Melissa Etheridge
7. Common People - Pulp
8. You Shook Me All Night Long - ACDC
9. Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
10. There is a Light that Never Goes Out - Smiths

we are the goon squad and we're coming to town

ten fashion crimes I witnessed today:
1. brown tan boots on a man
2. brown shoes / blue pin striped trousers / black jacket
3. pink puffy shouldered shirt
4. beige safari suit
5. slingback heels and trousers that were too short
6. heels with bad scuffs that were worn down unevenly
7. square elongated glasses on the wrong face shape
8. black fishnets and shiny silver panelled ankle boots
9. barefeet!
10. red beanie worn too high on the head.

this indecision me molesta

ten reasons I should stay
1. I get paid well
2. the work is easy
3. I can get time off without fucking around with forms and crap
4. I don’t have a budget
5. I don’t have to get dressed up
6. it takes me 10 minutes, tops, to drive to work and there’s a parking space when I get there
7. so I can leave at 8.45am and be at work at 9am
8. my boss is often out so I can get stuff done
9. I can take my dogs, sometimes
10. I can surf the net without worrying about the net nanny / big brother

it takes courage to enjoy it

Ten TV programmes that I secretly love and will lie if people ask if I watch them:
1. Home and Away
2. America’s Next Top Model
3. NZ Idol
4. Jerry Springer
5. E! 101 sexiest / best / most scandalous moments / celebrities / anythings
6. 90210 reruns
7. The Swan
8. Miss Match
9. Dawson’s Creek
10. My big Fat Obnoxious Boss

forget about the last one, get yourself another

ten beverages i served today at toast newtown:
1. five flax merlot cabernet (east coast)
2. belhaven wee heavy (scotland)
3. pol clement blanc de blancs (france)
4. ranchman's red (hawkes bay)
5. montepulciano d'abruzzo (italy)
6. bristol best bitter (wigram)
7. sapporo (japan)
8. hoegarden de verboden (belgium)
9. fresh coffee (havana roasters)
10. grapefruit and soda (jane's garden)

i laid a divorcee in new york city

Ten reasons why the beatles is all about love and the stones is all about sex – and probably goes a long way to explaining why I’m a stones girl.
1. I wanna hold your hand vs let’s spend the night together
2. all you need is love vs I can't get no satisfaction
3. michelle vs angie
4. The girl that's driving me mad is going away (ticket to ride) vs I come to you, so silent in the night, so stealthy, so animal quiet (emotional rescue)
5. when I get home to you I'll find the things that you do will make me feel alright (hard day’s night) vs when you call my name I salivate like a Pavlov dog (bitch)
6. I'll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too (money can’t buy me love) vs you’ll never break this heart of stone (heart of stone)
7. I'm so proud to know that she is mine (I feel fine) vs down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb (under my thumb)
8. Hope you need my love babe, just like I need you (8 days a week) vs i'm called the hit-and-run raper in anger (midnight rambler)
9. did I tell you I need you every single day of my life (got to get you into my life) vs do you think that you're the only girl around? I bet you think that you're the only woman in town (it’s only rock and roll but I like it)
10. we danced through the night, and we held each other tight (I saw her standing there) vs you make a grown man cry (start me up)

i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black

ten things i got delivered in my organic grocery box last night:
1. a huge cabbage
2. 2 avocadoes
3. 300g asparagus
4. 2 broccolli
5. 750g kiwifruit
6. 1 kg carrots
7. 1.7kg oranges
8. 500g grapefruit
9. 1.15kg kumara
10. 175g radishes

i’m a rebel and my 44 pops far

Ten rock chicks that rock my world:
1. Storm Large
2. Debbie Harry
3. Nina Hagen
4. Patti Smith
5. Pat Benatar
6. Janis Joplin
7. Joan Jett
8. Siouxsie Sioux
9. Grace Slick
10. PJ Harvey

don’t feel like dancin’ dancin’

ten things I learnt last night at the pub quiz
1. a baby koala is called a joey
2. Natalie Mains is the main singer of the Dixie Chicks
3. Stephen Fry won the Rose d'or this year
4. Pirate Mary may or may not have been the name of a pirate
5. the odds on a corner at roulette are 8 to 1 (not 9 to 1, godammit)
6. the King of Scotland is set in Africa
7. 5 films have won 10 or more Oscars
8. The Duke of Wellington’s horse was called Copenhagen
9. your coccyx is your tailbone (tee hee coccyx)
10. Vladimir Putin has served 2 terms

no pill's gonna cure my ills

the top ten sexiest women on ER:
1. Nurse Carol Hathaway
2. Nurse Sam Taggart (remember her from Freaks and Geeks? WHy did that show ever get cancelled?)
3. Abby Lockhart
4. Dr Carrie Weaver (probably number 1 if I was arsed to do it in order)
5. Sandy Lopez, Dr Weaver's hot firefighter girlfriend
6. Dr Kim Legaspi (the psychiatrist, remember her?)
7. Neela Rasgotra
8. Dr Susan (the one that was there at the start, then went away, then came back, yay!)
9. Dr Alex Corday (the english one)
10. George Clooney (yes, i know, but he gets an honoraray inclusion as he's one of the few men I'd genuinely shag)

i know you and you cannot sing

my ten favourite smiths and Morrissey songs
1. there is a light that never goes out
2. the queen is dead
3. mute witness
4. hairdresser on fire
5. panic
6. maudlin street
7. suedehead
8. last of the famous international playboys
9. what difference does it make
10. william it was really nothing

She dreams in colour she dreams in red

My ten favourite cartoons:
1 daria
2 family guy
3 king of the hill
4 simpsons
5 ren and stimpy
6 bro town
7 rug rats
8 sponge bob
9 aqua teen hunger force
10 pope town

I go around and round and round and round and round

Ten streets I've lived on in the last ten years:
1 stoke st
2 links rd
3 portland cres
4 bidwill st
5 silverdale rd
6 fox st
7 gillette lane
8 clyde st
9 bond st
10 malcolm lane

am i your passion, your promise, your ache? i say i am

the ten rules for being a lesbian*
1. not all lesbians look alike
2. CAUTION! Long Term lesbian couples may look alike
3. Friends = Dating Possibilities
4. A True breakup is breakup #4 - or six months
5. choose a nickname or one will be chosen for you
6. Old Girlfriends never leave; they become best friends
7. Lesbian Years = Dog Years
8. Dyke Drama. It's a reality. As inevitable as the tide. From the Latin: Lesbosapphicus Dramaticus
9. Warning! Just one degree of separation between you and any other lesbian
10. Grab the bull by the horns

* courtesy of "The Ten Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide", the short movie i saw last night.

yo yo yo yippy yo yippy yay

Ten songs with dog in the title:
1. Black Dog – Led Zep
2. Now I Want to Be Your Dog – Iggy and the Stooges
3. Can Your Pussy do the Dog? – The Cramps
4. Diamond Dogs – David Bowie
5. Hound Dog – Elvis
6. Slow Dog – Belly
7. Dogs of Lust – The The
8. Dog New Tricks – Garbage
9. Bird Dog – Everley Brothers
10. Doggfather – Snoop Dogg

just like the white winged dove

ten things i learnt yesterday at the pub quiz:
1. there are 40 million sheep in NZ (not 30)
2. the tunisian flag is red, with a white circle and a star and a sycle (not the indomesian)
3. carrot cake is the national cake of saudi arabia
4. status quo played at les Battersby's wedding on coro (not cream)
5. the inland taipan is the deadliest snake in the world (not a rattlesnake)
6. tuatapere is the sausage capital of NZ (not blackball)
7. lake brunner is in fiordland national park
8. angelina jolie is now making 20 million a movie (not reece witherspoon)
9. it's 580 km from Picton to Oamaru
10. stevie wonder has won 18 grammys (not michael jackson or celine dion)

oh yeah, you’re gonna look so cute – sunglasses, bathing suit

ten good twists in movies
1. he’s Luke’s father!
2. there’s an icepick under the bed!
3. it’s his sled!
4. Jay Davidson is a guy!
5. Ed and Brad are the same guy!
6. he screams and you know he’s one of them!
7. The planet is Earth in the future!
8. he dresses as his mum to kill people!
9. it’s her head in the box!
10. he’s bullshitting the whole story and doesn’t have a limp!

to me it’s like breathing

what ten famous people would call themselves if they were Jennifer Lopez:
1. M Lo – Meatloaf
2. L Lo – Lindsay Lohan
3. A Jo – Angelina Jolie
4. H No – Heather Nova
5. J Ro – Johnny Rotten
6. L To – Lily Tomlin
7. A Bo – Anne Boleyn
8. D Gro – Dave Grohl
9. B Do – Bob Dole
10. H Go – Holly Golightly

there’s no sex in the champagne room

ten godawful porn title puns
1. backside to the future
2. Jurassic poke
3. romancing the bone
4. rears in windows
5. single tight female
6. cape rear
7. field of wet dreams
8. inrearendence day
9. honey, I blew everybody
10. beetlejism

it’s not a habit it’s cool, I feel alive

ten things in my shopping trolley today:
1. cumin and garlic feta
2. vogels toast bread
3. a dozen eggs
4. schweppes tonic water
5. sprite
6. frozen berry yoghurt
7. tampons
8. two litres of lite blue milk
9. a packet of butter
10. the Weekend Dominion

i recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

ten things i have learned his week:
1. i looked at my hands and realised they look exactly like i remember my mother's hands looking when i was a child
2. all of the sewerage outflows and rubbish dumps are on Maori land
3. when i am in a destructive relationship, i act in the same way as my mother did
4. i can make good poached eggs and it's a lot simpler than you think (but i owe this to a friend who taught me the legend secret)
5. i hate people who get drunk and embarassing
6. i'm holding this practice together
7. but someone understands
8. my drug addiction has been replaced by an addiction to food
9. The Breakup was not such a bad film as I thought it was going to be
10. I need to get a house or section for my retirement asap

you keep saying you've got something for me

My favourite shoes:
1. new rock boots (cos the hot chick on bad girls wears them too)
2. green chuck taylors
3. dark blue faded chucks
4. stiletto boots (which i can hardly wear as they cripple me but are Faaaaaabulous)
5. black and pink vans
6. red leather converse trainers
7. white slip on sandals (because it feels like summer when I wear them)
8. black italian leather heels
9. pink suede kickers
10. white diesel porn star slip ons

life is too short to play silly games

Ten great moments in films that were made perfect by the song that was playing at the time:
1. when renton and spud are running from the cops in Trainspotting - Lust for life
2. when edward norton is tied to a chair at the end of Fight Club – Where is my mind
3. when john cusack holds the ghetto blaster over his head under the window of the girl in say anything – in Your Eyes
4. the opening sequence of Jackie Brown where Pam Grier walks through the airport – Across 110th Street
5. tom cruise dancing in his underwear in risky business – old time rock and roll
6. john and uma dancing in Pulp Fiction – Never Can Tell
7. the ear slicing in Reservoir Dogs – Stuck in the Middle With You
8. the scene where Adrien Brophy in his punk get up strips in a seedy gay club in Summer of Sam - Baba O Reilley
9. Wayne and crew singing in the car – Bohemian Rhapsody
10. the choppers flying over in Apocalypse Now – Ride of the Valkyries

when I look back now, the summers seemed to last forever

ten reasons I love the 90s:
1. renegade master
2. Beverly hills 90210
3. the birth of RTDs (purple goanas, jesus wept)
4. the invention of the dress over the pants fashion statement
5. the spice girls
6. ck one
7. pearl jam
8. amyl (does anyone even do this anymore?)
9. magnum icecreams were invented
10. i got to live a wild life on complete hedonism and decadence with no responsibilities to anyone but myself

Don't touch my bags if you please mr customs man

Ten airports i have wasted my life sitting in for work:
1. Auckland
2. Hamilton
3. Tauranga
4. Whakatane
5. Rotorua
6. Napier
7. New plymouth
8. Gisborne
9. Wellington
10. Blenheim

there’s a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Ten colours in songs:
1. Purple Haze – Jimi Hendrix
2. Orange Crush – REM
3. Yellow Submarine – Beatles
4. White Light White Heat – Velvet Underground
5. Back in Black – ACDC
6. Brown Sugar – Rolling Stones
7. Red Alert – Basement Jaxx
8. Blue Lines – Massive Attack
9. Green Onions – Booker T and the MG’s
10. Pink - Aerosmith

is it because i lied when i was seventeen?

ten resons i know i'm getting depressed:
1. i am tired all the time, nothing can fix it
2. sleeping on the couch seems a much better option than getting up and going all the way into the bedroom
3. salt and vinegar crisps (or six rum balls) are viable meal options
4. driving fast with the top down and music blaring holds no appeal
5. i can't bear to go out, because i can't deal with other people and i feel guilty when i break dates 6. my skin has packed in
7. even showering or brushing my teeth is too much effort
8. i'm thirsty all the time
9. my arms feel heavy
10. i'd rather be at home with the curtains drawn and crap telly on.

i’m an honorary sean connery

My top ten favourite bond theme tunes – in order, even
1. goldfinger – Shirley bassey
2. diamonds are forever – Shirley bassey
3. live and let die – wings
4. nobody does it better – carly simon
5. for your eyes only – sheena Easton
6. view to a kill – duran duran
7. living daylights – a-ha
8. die another day – Madonna
9. goldeneye – tina turner
10. world isn’t enough – garbage

I can almost hear you shout down to me where I always used to be

Ten songs by rights I should have on my ipod but somehow I don’t and I can’t understand why:

1. everyday I write the book – elvis costello
2. Hyperballad – Bjork
3. jack and diane – john cougar mellencamp
4. windowlicker – aphex twin
5. Revolution Ballroom – Nina Hagen
6. Beethoven - eurythmics
7. I hate myself for loving you – joan jett
8. lemon – u2
9. Hoover Dam – Bob Mould
10. you may be right – billy joel

turn my back on the rot that's been planning the plot, because I'm gonna

ten reasons I really cannot be arsed with my father:
1. he was a drunk
2. he was a bully
3. now he’s in a rest home he’s pulling the “poor me” schtick
4. but he’s still a master manipulator
5. he really has no idea what he’s done to my family
6. just because he’s ready to be forgiven, he thinks that we are ready to forgive him
7. he ruined my mother’s life
8. he treated my sister badly at the stage when she was the only one who would have anything to do with him
9. he was never really interested in me
10. he's still just the same on the inside, he just can't physically do it anymore

then the light above my head went bang

ten things my mind wanted to think about in the wee small hours of last night rather than let me sleep (and so consequently i am like death on a stick):
1. how on earth will i ever get through the next two months until xmas when i have so much work to do i want to crawl up into the foetal position a rock gently
2. what am i going to do in the future for a job because i cannot stay here
3. why don't i call my mum more often
4. why don't i call my nan more often
5. money
6. why does my father want to contact me now, all of a sudden
7. is he dying?
8. do i care?
9. when and how am i going to fix the spouting to stop water gushing everywhere when it rains
10. how can i tell my boss i want to throttle her and cannot stand her without actually using those words

Hanging on the telephone

Ten new places i can post from now i've worked out how to from my phone
1. Airport
2. Holiday
3. My nan's
4. During court breaks
5. In a cafe
6. When i leave my laptop at work
7. Walking the dog
8. Out drinking... Or maybe not
9. Stuck in traffic
10. When i'm shopping

but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for

ten things I did this labour weekend
1. drove to napier (and back) in the shittiest weather you could imagine playing everything from pet shop boys to acdc via burning spear and t rex.
2. had the best falafel kebab I can remember - and i've had an awful lot of falafel kebabs in my time
3. had to deal with the fall out from my boss’s absolute incompetence and slackness via mobile phone 350kms from the office which threatened to ruin my whole weekend (but it didn't)
4. found six hardback noddy books for mum which i paid through the fucking nose for
5. got tanned during two brilliantly sunny days.
6. read Erica Jong’s how to save your own life, the sequel to fear of flying
7. played 500, which I haven’t played since uni
8. fell in love with famke janssen all over again
9. drank quite a bit of red wine
10. went to the Te Mata Cheese Factory (mother of god, I love cheese)

you give me head, it makes it worse

my ten favourite songs about shagging:
1. Gett Off - Prince
2. My Neck, My Back - Khia
3. Get Your Freak On – Missy Elliot
4. Lets Get It On – Marvin Gaye
5. Be Your Dog – Iggy & The Stooges
6. Closer – Nine Inch Nails
7. Jack and Diane – John Cougar Mellencamp
8. Brown Sugar – Rolling Stones
9. Laid - James
10. Paradise by the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf

a bitch with a knife, a bitch with a gun

ten of the most interesting women that I’ve slept with (not including my current girlie):
1. the woman that I truly, crazily loved so much I did a lot of fucked up things for and look back now and shake my head in amazement
2. a woman who I got bored of really quickly but I didn’t know how to break it off with her so I just kept on going until it all totally screwed up
3. the girl I used to do secretly because it was just easier that way
4. the really sexy, intelligent and artistic woman who was way too good for me so I ended up cheating on her
5. the straight girl I spent months working on who looked like one of the Corrs crossed with Kate Winslet
6. the straight girl I picked up in a gay bar who was there with her gay boy friends and protested that she never usually did this sort of thing (whatever)
7. a friend’s ex, when they’d recently broken up and were still in that delicate stage
8. a good friend that I wasn’t interested in sexually but slept with anyway just because I could and I wanted a warm body next to me
9. the woman that I started off sleeping with just to piss off her ex girlfriend but actually ended up really liking
10. a chick I met in Thailand and ended up moving to london to be with

how about those transparent dangling carrots

Ten reasons my boss pisses me off:
1. she treats me like her PA
2. when she is treating me like her PA she treats me ruder than she would treat her PA
3. she is lazy, and does the least amount possible
4. I don’t like the way she smells
5. she does not explain herself well and expects me to read her mind
6. she comes in late, pisses around on the internet, goes out of the office during the day then knocks off early – just about every freakin’ day.
7. she lies and lies more when I catch her out lying
8. her needs are many, varied and immediate
9. she has to have wins, she's like a spoilt toddler
10. she doesn’t do what I ask her when I need her to do stuff

i’m on the drug that killed river phoenix

my ten favourite songs about drugs
1. Special K – Placebo
2. Cocaine in My Brain - Dillinger
3. Heroin – Lou Reed
4. Legalize It – Pete Tosh
5. E’s and Whizz - Pulp
6. Under the Bridge – Chilli Peppers
7. White Lines (Don’t Do It) – Grandmaster Flash
8. Ebenezer Goode – The Shamen
9. China Girl - David Bowie
10. White Rabbit – Grace Slick

just one day out of life, it would be so nice

ten things I’m going to do on my week off:
1. paint the fence posts
2. cover the dilapidated fence in brushsticks
3. clear out my backyard of weeds and crap
4. put down weed mat and work out what to put over the top
5. paint the door jamb
6. vacuum my car
7. silicone up my bathroom
8. put fake grass over the bad bits in the bathroom
9. put up new curtains in my bathroom
10. go on a roadtrip to napier with the girls

i’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier

Ten lyrics that never quite made it into all these things that I’ve done:
1. I’ve got pills but I’m not a pilsner
2. I’ve got wind but I’m not a window
3. I’ve got paste but I’m not a pastry
4. I’ve got coal but I’m not a colon
5. I’ve got wine but I’m not a wino
6. I’ve got ham but I’m not a hamster
7. I’ve got meat but I’m not a meatball
8. I’ve got sheep but I’m not a sheepskin
9. I’ve got mist but I’m not a mistress
10. I’ve got none but I’m not a nunchuck

but the joke is rather sad

top ten played songs on my ipod since it had to be reset in may:
1. Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)
2. Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright (11)
3. The Emperor's new clothes - Sinead O'Connor (11)
4. 32 Flavors (live acoustic) – Ani DiFranco (10)
5. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (10)
6. Happy House - Siouxsie & the Banshees (9)
7. Freak Like Me – Sugababes (9)
8. Love will tear us apart - Joy Division (8)
9. Get Your Hands Off My Man - Junior Vasquez (8)
10. Mr Brightside - The Killers (8)

you know you’ll get me through

Ten reasons why Detective Olivia benson is so hot:
1 she only wears tight pants, never a skirt
2 and her gun pokes over the top of her pants
3 and her arse is truly fantastic in those pants
4 today she wore a tight shirt and sat with her arms behind her head and it was just enough to make me wriggle in my seat
5 she has beautiful lips
6 and gorgeous eyes
7 she rarely dates men
8 and when she does there is no chemistry
9 but she has undeniable chemistry with DA Alexandra Cabot
10 and she sticks up for the gay women characters

one nation under the influence of one drug

ten favourite reality tv contests

1. rockstar supernova (for my girl Strm)
2. survivor (the first, the greatest)
3. the apprentice (the Don or Martha, I’m not discerning)
4. rebel billionaire (for the sheer stupidity of it)
5. top chef (Leeanne, you rock, Harold you’re the man)
6. america’s next top model (for giving me the word fierce)
7. the amazing race (phil, I remember you from SPOT ON)
8. the swan (they all look like barbies! It really is the American dream)
9. the bachelor / bachelorette (so desperate, it’s almost sad)
10. big brother UK (because the british are famewhores)

hit me baby one more time

Ten best cover versions that might even be better than the original (gasp)

1. I was Made for Loving You – Queens of Japan
2. Comfortably Numb- Scissor Sisters
3. Black Steel – Tricky
4. I’m on Fire – Head Like A Hole
5. Dancing in the Street – Queen & David Bowie
6. Crying – kd lang
7. Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm
8. I Will Survive – Cake
9. Not Fade Away – Rolling Stones
10. Viva Las Vegas – Dead Kennedys

come out of your cupboard, you boys and girls

mten things that stick in my memory about London:
1. Tooting Broadway tube station
2. The pattern on the tube cushions
3. Burberry everywhere
4. Doing coke off Simon’s kitchen table
5. How cheap everything was at Ikea
6. Observer Food Monthly
7. Sainsbury’s weekly grocery shopping
8. Yo Sushi at Selfridges at the weekend
9. Countdown (doodely-doop - ooooo!)
10. the sonic beeps in the BBC news

other cities make me feel like a dork

ten of my favourite places in the world:

1. Wellington
2. Barcelona
3. Berlin
4. New York
5. Koh Samui
6. San Francisco
7. Paris
8. Brighton
9. Singapore
10. Melbourne

see them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight

Ten chicks off TV that I would do till I chafed:

1. Storm Large – Rockstar Supernova
2. Detective Olivia Benson – SVU
3. Ava – Nip / Tuck (yes, I know she’s a transsexual)
4. Schmidt – Boston Legal
5. Bette Porter – The L Word
6. Geraldine Grainger – Vicar of Dibley
7. Dr Carrie Weaver – ER
8. Sheryl West – Outrageous Fortune
9. Anita McNaught – BBC World News Presenter
10. Ling – Ally McBeal

Totally have to be in character though.

one for tomorrow and one just for today

Ten songs with the same name that sound nothing alike but are both freakin’ fantastic
1. Oh Yeah – Ash / Roxy Music
2. I’m Your Man – Wham / Leonard Cohen
3. One – Metallica / U2
4. Crazy – Gnarls Barkely / Aerosmith
5. Around the World – Daft Punk / Red Hot Chilli Peppers
6. Better Man – Robbie Williams / Pearl Jam
7. Breathe – Blu Cantrell / Prodigy
8. Changes – David Bowie / Tupac
9. Trash – New York Dolls / Suede
10. Ugly – Violent Femmes / Bubba Sparxxx

the sweet devil's got my soul

ten reasons why you have to see water:
1. it is beautifully filmed, the colours and sounds burst from the screen
2. it is full of gorgeous symbolism - they live by the water, bathe in it, use it for their rituals, and drink it - and yet it is the water that they have to cross to "the bad side" and when you die you are cremated and set adrift across it.
3. it will put all of your meaningless problems in perspective
4. it made me think about the dichotomy between feminism and religion
5. you will learn something about indian culture and religion
6. you will learn something about gandi and indian history
7. there is some good acting, and the dialouge is not really all that contrived.
8. Narayan is well handsome, Chuyia is cute, Didi is a great actress and Kaylani is just beautiful
9. the ending is structured in such a way that you can allow yourself to believe whatever you want
10. it is funny at times and sad at times, just like life, really

did I find you or you find me

Ten songs that take me back to uni:

1. Born Slippy – Underworld
2. Fade into You – Mazzy Star
3. tub thumping - chumbawumba
4. Come Back – Garageland
5. Doctor Jones – Aqua
6. The Bomb (These Sounds fall into my Mind) – the Bucketheads
7. Missing You – Puff Daddy
8. Semi Charmed Life
9. Wrap Me Up – Alex Party
10. Pictures of You - Cure

tailored suits, chauffeured cars, fine hotels and big cigars

ten things I would buy if I had a spare $1,000 floating around:

1. Flash and sexy coffee machine
2. xbox 360 and an incredibly violent game
3. heat pump so i'm not frezing my arse off all next winter
4. huge, big palm tree for my lounge
5. a really powerful vacuum that would vac up all of the dog hair out of my rug
6. new fabulous artwork for when i redo the back of the house
7. digital camera with all the bells and whistles so i can post loser pictures on my blog
8. funky outdoor furniture ready for gin and tonics in the summer
9. 80GB ipod so i can officially have ALL THE MUSIC IN THE WORLD at my rotating fingertips
10. Le Cruset set of cooking pans so I could cook with them and touch myself inappropriately at the same

she works hard for her money

Ten bizarro things i did today in chronological order:

1. got up at 6.10am to get the red eye to hamilton
2. drove to te kuiti suffering from serious sleep deprivation
3. completely went to the wrong place down 15 kms of rough, then unsealed gravel road
4. cried in the car when better man came on because i am a bad person and inadvertently hurt somebody and i don't know how to make it right
5. got a call from one of the partners at my old place wanting to meet for coffee tomorrow and i was actually good on the phone when usually i give bad phone
6. said something funny while giving submissions and got a laugh
7. went and visited my ex's parents, just for a cup of tea, and was greeted with hugs and kisses and sent on my way with armfuls of citrus
8. drove from te kuiti to hamilton like a bat out of hell in fucking atrocious weather conditions that actually scared me a little
9. sat in hamilton airport for an hour watching kath and kim while the airport powers that be ummed and ahhed about flying
10. nearly cried again whilst in mid air and they threatened to fly us into palmy and then BUS us to Wellington (they didn't)

i got home at 9pm, goddammit.

she plays the drums, I’m on tambourine

Ten indie classics
1. cut your hair – pavement
2. loser – beck
3. not if you were the last junkie on earth – dandy warhols
4. she don’t use jelly – flaming lips
5. bobby brown – frank zappa
6. been caught stealing – jane’s addiction
7. jesus built my hotrod - ministry
8. gigantic - pixies
9. bull in the heather – sonic youth
10. birdhouse in your soul – they might be giants